To disagree is a part of life.
And if you are in the lives of teens, it can feel like an everyday part of life.
Learning how to navigate our disagreements is an important skill at all stages of human development.
When it comes to parenting tweens, it can be challenging to disagree with your child without causing friction or damaging the parent-child relationship (...that’s an understatement).
However, by practicing intellectual humility and recognizing that criticism of an idea is not an attack on your character as a parent, you can effectively engage in disagreements while still maintaining a positive and agreeable atmosphere.
Above all, as the ‘psychologically wise adult in the room’, let’s remember...
...criticism of an idea is not an attack on your character.
The Importance of Intellectual Humility When You Disagree
Intellectual humility is the ability to recognize the limits of our own knowledge and be open to considering different viewpoints.
It involves acknowledging that we may not have all the answers and being willing to learn from others, even when we disagree with them.
Cultivating intellectual humility in ourselves and teaching it to our tweens can lead to:
- more constructive conversations, and
- healthier relationships.
1. Remember: It's about Ideas, Not Personalities
When engaging in a disagreement with your tween, it's crucial to emphasize that criticizing their ideas or opinions does not reflect a character flaw.
Help them understand that differing viewpoints are normal and healthy, as they encourage critical thinking and personal growth.
By separating the person from their ideas,
you create an environment where your tween feels safe expressing themselves without fear of judgment or personal attacks.
2. Practice Active Listening While You Disagree
Instead of immediately jumping into counterarguments or trying to convince your tween why they're wrong, practice active listening first.
Ask questions like:
- “What do you think about this topic?”
- “Can you explain your perspective?”
- “How did you come to that conclusion?”
This demonstrates respect for their thoughts while also giving them space to articulate their ideas fully.
And while you can have phrases and questions to ask, the real key to active listening is the attitude and tone you deliver the message. Be sincerely curious without the need to defend or attack.
Explore you teen’s ideas knowing they is a rational reason they came to that conclusion.
3. Find Common Ground Although You Disagree
Even when you disagree with your tween's opinion on a particular matter, there may still be areas where you can find common ground.
Look for shared values or goals that you can both agree on.
By focusing on these commonalities,
you create a foundation for constructive dialogue
and mutual understanding.
4. Foster Intellectual Curiosity
Encourage your tween to be curious about different perspectives and ideas.
Teach them the value of seeking out diverse sources of information and engaging in thoughtful discussions with others.
By fostering intellectual curiosity, you empower your tween to:
- explore alternative viewpoints, and
- develop a more nuanced understanding of complex issues.
It’s worth noting, tween and teens haven’t developed nuanced thinking at this age.
Everything in their life up until this moment has been ‘black and white’. They’ve yet to understand the complexities of values systems, perspectives and being ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ at the same time.
Some adults lack the understanding of nuance. But not you. You’re the ‘psychologically wise adult in the room.’
5. Model Intellectual Humility
As a ‘psychologically wise adult’, it's essential to lead by example.
Model intellectual humility in your own interactions with your tween and others, especially when you disagree with others.
Admit when you don't know something or when you've changed your mind based on new information.
I know I know...easier said than done. However, this is how we develop our and their character.
This shows your tween that it's okay to:
- be open-minded
- willing to reconsider their own beliefs.
Conclusion
Disagreeing with your tween while still being agreeable is possible by practicing intellectual humility.
One key aspect to remember is:
criticism of an idea is not an attack on a person’s character.
By teaching them how to engage in respectful disagreements at a young age,
you're help to:
- build their confidence,
- critical thinking skills, and
- ability to navigate differing opinions.
This will have lasting effects now, and into the future.
